2011

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself..two blogs written in less than 24 hours? Who am I?

Quite literally, I'll tell you who I am. I'm a makeup artist. A sister, daughter, niece, and granddaughter. A friend. I'm a best friend. I'm a carb fanatic. I'm a girlfriend. A military girlfriend at that. I am strong. I'm stubborn, but sympathetic and sensitive. I am smart, determined, and hard-working. I am respectful, loving, and loyal. I am proud. I'm a gym go-er. I'm a dreamer and a do-er. I am dependable. I'm a writer and a photographer and a thinker.

The last year that Brian has been away has given me time to do me, to take care of the things that I want to take care of. I have made strides towards those things, and for what I have accomplished, I am proud. For the things that I have yet to achieve, I have plans. In the last year, I have had periods of loneliness, frustration and doubt. But I am thankful for those times. The grief I've gone through has made the swings of happiness that much more fruitful. I will always remember right after Brian left last year, I thought I would never genuinely feel happy until he came home for good. Time passed, I busied myself, and what do you know - I found myself smiling and truly enjoying the time I had for myself. I was shaken to my core, and brought to my feet. All of the perceived negative was readying me to be able to enjoy and appreciate the moments, both small and large.

I have also been allowed time to figure out who I am. I can relate to good ol' Liz Gilbert (the author of 'Eat, Pray, Love') when she's explaining that she just doesn't want to be married anymore. She hadn't been without a male counterpart for more than two weeks in ten years. This terrified her because she had no idea who she was anymore. I, also, have been in relationships for the last seven or eight years (at varying levels of maturity, of course). This realization didn't scare me to the depths that it did Liz, but I knew that if I would have to be separated from the man that I love, now is, without a doubt, the best time for that to happen.

After I got home from the trip, I was having a really difficult time being away from Brian. We had the most fantastic time together. The trip, I felt, brought us closer than ever before. We were inseparable for two weeks and it felt incredible. Then the time came for me to return home. I got home and immediately went back to work. What a stark difference of scenery and emotion. It was like quitting something cold turkey. One day, you're holding his hand and the next, you're wondering if it was all a beautifully cruel dream. I had no motivation to go to work, to work out, to eat right as I had been. I cried way more than I would have liked. I was so upset, and I didn't know how to 'snap out of it'. Finally, I realized that this period would very closely resemble his leaving last year and I would probably have to remind myself how to be without him again. How to be patient, strong and independent. The thought was unbelievably daunting. 

But here we are, 1 month, 12 days after the trip and I'm very nearly back to normal. I laugh a lot more than I cry, I am eating well again, and getting back into my normal gym routine. I'm generally a happier girl these days. It feels good to be back to the old me, and I'm honestly looking forward to everything the new year has for me. In true cheese style, I'll say this:

Damn, it feels good to be me.