I love me!

My day consisted of a cardio workout, homemade jalapeño turkey burgers and zucchini, and an epic trip to Barnes & Noble. Epic only because I was there for three hours. Who does that? I do, and proudly, bitches. This post is going to consist of me tooting my own horn, largely because I deserve it. I've done a lot of growing up in the last 8 months, and I am going to publicly pat myself on the back. If that's obnoxious to you, I'm sure you know how to close the browser. And maybe after doing so, you can figure out how important it is to recognize yourself in your accomplishments. Self-recognition in moderation is not synonymous with arrogance, mind you. But if you can appreciate my need to publicly praise my fantastic and motivated self, then read on, fearless readers, read on.

Let's start with July of 2009 for some back-story. My wonderful boyfriend had just come home from a six month deployment. It was a rough one - we weren't together for the majority of it because I was with someone else, but still "talking" to him. I lied, I was selfish, and I put him through the ringer, to make a long and hurtful story short. But we wound up together and that's what counts. For the first time in the 2 years we had been friends, we finally finally got to be together. It was absolute bliss. Our love was unrequited for as long as we knew each other, but finally, we were allowed to publicly be Jen and Brian. A few weeks into our fabulous coupledom, he informed me that he'd be leaving again soon. I thought, "Sure! Okay, another six months? No problem!" Laughable, really. When he told me how long he'd be gone, I was crushed. He was obviously terrified to tell me, afraid I'd leave. But I was helplessly in love with him. His mere physical absence was more the lesser of the two evils - my other option was cutting him out of my life completely. Too quickly, dates materialized. It was getting real now.

With January 6th quickly approaching, I had to prep myself for one of the hardest days I had to ever face. My boyfriend/best friend was set to leave for school to train for his new job in the Marines. I had accepted that he was going to be gone for a total of three years - the majority of which we would not be together. Again, I loved him too much to let this God-forsaken separation come between us. How do you get ready to kiss them for the last time? How do you tell yourself that this your new "normal"? Well, January 6th came. I cried. It was messy. But you know? I'm alive. Our relationship is stronger than I ever thought it had the capacity to be. We've got 2 1/2 years left of this thing, but we're doing well, and I have faith in our bond.

Here's where I start tooting my horn. I really thought I was going to be an inconsolable mess for weeks after he left. There were a couple horrible days following his leaving, and those still pop up every once in a while. But guess what! I'm a normal, functioning, non-blubbering woman for the majority of the time. It was hard as hell though to not turn into this horribly bitter hag once he left, however. That's not to say that I haven't had those hag-days too. But I've harnessed this inner hag, thank you very kindly. She's tucked away, satiated with the knowledge that three years isn't forever, and that even though the distance that separates Brian and I is very real, it can be cultivated into something strong and wonderful. Suck it, miles.

So what to do with all this spare time? Not sit at home, that's for DAMN sure. Idleness breeds negativity. No thank you, I need no help with that. What better activity to become obsessed with than going to the gym? I had no preconceived intentions of going to the gym or loosing weight, but I went one day right after he left and I was hooked like a bass on a weighted and baited line. I quickly lost 10 pounds, which upped my motivation levels. Altogether, I've lost 35 pounds. I eat better, I feel better, I look better. It's a great time suck, too; working out keeps me busy, and it's productive. 

Then there are the small personal victories that I never thought about wanting to change. I started saving money for the first time in my 24 years of existence. This actually is not a small feat. I have never had the willpower or drive enough to do it. But now I do, and I was able to save enough to go halfies for my plane fare to visit Brian in Switzerland.

I also stopped biting my nails. Gross habit that I've had my whole life. But I wanted my nails to look good for my visit. Now they all have white tips and make that cool "tink tink" noise when I type or tap my fingers against the table. Pretty nails, for the win!

Yeah, being away from the love of my life is hard. But you know, while the love I have for that boy is unyielding, I'm finding that I love myself too, and that is of utmost importance. I was never one of those self-loathing youths, but I never put self-care at the top of my priority list either. It is now. I realize now, too, that no one is going to have to the know-how to love you like you need to be loved like you. Read that impossible sentence again if necessary, friend. It was a poorly constructed one, but it's late and I have not the patience to restructure it. Anyway, suffice it to say that if I love me, I can better love him.

I've never been so proud of myself for accomplishing as much as I have. I'm a strong woman, and I am not merely surviving and trudging through what I have to in order to get what I want in the long term, but I'm actually thriving. I'm lucky that I know what it is that I want, and that I have the goals and the drive and also a wonderfully supportive partner to help me achieve them. No proverbial earthquake or tidal wave or hurricane can shake this broad. My foundation is becoming solid, and I'm proud as hell of myself for withstanding and prevailing over the things I have thus far. 

Thank you for listening to my shameless and prideful rant. I am now finished, and thoroughly exhausted. Horn-tooting is serious business, and wears one thin. I must refuel. Goodnight, rant-readers.